Here we are again...

 Ha, I have not blogged for years I don’t even remember for how long but it feels like I want to write again.

This 2020 has pushed me in my deepest and darkest places I‘ve been. 2020 and his younger brother 2019 took away 4 of my soul companions (that one person I‘ve felt connected with my whole heart and soul for over 20 years and 3 of my furry companions).

Othello ran away in his sleep just 2 days before Christmas 2019, leaving me and his sister Salome heartbroken. She missed him so much and felt lonely and unhappy that I decided to get her a lil companion. In January 2020 Nestor joined us and turned our world upside down with his kitten wit and crazy nature. 

Sadly a few month later Sally started tio decline and was diagnosed with cancer that made her fade away quickly. In August 2020 she had merely 2 kg although she was eating fine but in heer final days she had lost all her energy and when she gave me „that look“ I had to walk the unthinkable path with her to fulfill my promise and hep her join heer brothers Othello and Kashim to the rainbow bridge.

Nestor did not take it well, even though it was only a few months they had together he had bonded deeply with the grumpy old lady and was crying his little heart out in search for her and to lure her out of her hiding spot. So... of course I went out again to find a companion for my little furball (who had grown to a big monster ball by now tho, no kidding that kitty boy is huge!!) to ease his pain and loneliness.

 So at the beginning of September Alise and Ananda joined our family. Alise took my heart in a storm soon after I‘ve had entered the shelter with her little paws and eyes that looked directly into my soul and her purrs that touched my heart. There was no way I‘d leave the shelter without her. 

Ananda however,... she was the one left of the bunch of kittens Nestor came with into the shelter and the lady there told us that it is most likely that she wn‘t find a place anymore cause she is too shy and won‘t let anne touch her. That‘s not what people want, so although she is a very pretty dark calico she always ended up not being chosen. That story broke my heart for her, cause all the while the lady told her story she was sitting in the doorway listening to us and looking at me as if she wanted to say: „I just need a chance, I an scared and i don‘t want to be touched, but does that really mean I do not deserve a home?“ ...and my heart cried out „nooo, you deserve the best home of the world just like every other kitty“ - so off she went to come home with us. Cause honestly? I do not mind if she does not like to be touched, so what? She is a perfect and great cat just like I thought she would be. By now she sits with me on the couch or lay on the blankie on my feet, - just not touchy touch. Well, ok i can live with that...

Soon after those 2 ladies joined us and turned Nestors life upside down and make him happy again Alise, the baby got sick, we soon found out that she was fip positive but he recovered quickly and there was a fair chance that she‘d have some good and happy years ahaed of us. unfortunately this turned out not to be true, only a few weeks after her recovery she had developed a fibroma in her throat that would slowly choke her to death leaving me without any way to help her or ease her pain. So after a long talk with the vet I cradled her inmy arms and whispered all the sweet nothings into her ears she loved to hear while she slowly fell asleep and joined Salome and the boys... 

 I came home without her and Nestor was out of his mind for the next couple of days... and there it was a blessing that Nanda was there to soothe his pain and distract him from the loss of his partner in crime. See? It was just meant to be that she had to come with us. As much as she dislikes to be touched by humans, she loves to curl up and play with othere cats - who would have guessed that?

All this happened while we were locked up at home for the most part of this year, nott beining able to go to work, meet family or friends or not be scared to meet anyone t on the streets. Lockdown 1 2 3 went by and my mental condition slowly went dwon and down and down. So far down I had to take a break in early December and take most of my vacation days just to settle and find time to take care of me. 

I am slowly starting to feel better and for the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I‘d need help to get out of this completely again which I did and I am feeling that I am on a good path again, but honestly the path will be a long one and it might be full of stoness that need to be kicked out of my way to proceed... 

On the bright side: During all this lockdown time I found my drawing mojo again and I started a Bullet Journal, which helps me a lot to tackle my everyday struggles and highlights too. :)